My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
My ATM looks so different sober.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I think pants incapable of making pants work
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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