I met the friendliest cop last night
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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