Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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