I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Randomize
