Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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