she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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