do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
