im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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