I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
