saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
