I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
