My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
