and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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