I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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