I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
