My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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