On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
