Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
