I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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