I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Randomize
