If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
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So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
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There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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