just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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