I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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