dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
my being single is dangerous.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
