I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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