found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Randomize
