I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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