God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
