Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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