if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
