Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
