I seem to have left my pride at pride
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
