I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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