I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
