I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
