I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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