How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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