4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
drinking out of a sandbucket again
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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