I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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