don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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