The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
