My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
