I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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