So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
