how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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