i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
