Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Randomize
