I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
