I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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