Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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