I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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