four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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