yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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