Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
