I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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