The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
