if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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